lions and tigers and babies ... oh my!

This weekend was wonderful!The weather was beautiful ... especially for the Cooper River Bridge Run and the Flowertown Festival! I had a ball at the festival with my mother-in-law ... first time I'd ever been and I loved it! Sunday was a family baby shower for my sweet cousin Julie. She is due in about 4-5 weeks and looks amazing! Jenny, another cousin, had her precious baby Kate at the shower. She's walking and talking and oh so cute! The games (which my sisters and I were in charge of) went over well and the food was wonderful ... as usual! Laurie, another cousin, announced at the end of the shower that she is pregnant and due in November. I also found out, through Facebook stalking (who doesn't do that?) that two friends from high school are expecting, one for the second time.


I say all this to ask a question ... have you ever felt genuinely happy for someone about something and at the very same time felt anger or saddness about that same something in your own life? 


I am having a very difficult time with the whole "pregnancy" thing in my life and honestly I just don't know if it's in the cards for me. That makes me cry every time I think about it. I've always loved children ... being around them, caring for them, teaching them. So, why wouldn't God let me have them? I know that's a little presumptuous to say, considering all of the medical procedures haven't been exhausted yet, but the thought is still in the back of my mind ... daily.  I know that my timing is never perfect and I know that his timing is. I know that there are reasons to hardships in life that I might not ever fully understand. I know that God's plan for my life is much better than anything I could want. Right now I'm struggling with "knowing" these things and "feeling in my heart" the trust and faith that God to provide them, or even something better in his time. I feel like all my life all I've ever wanted was to be a teacher and a wife and a mother.  It's scary to think that the mother part might not happen.


On the other side of things, I have wonderful support. My husband is amazing about the whole situation. My cousins were very understanding when I explained everything to them this weekend. My church family prays for me. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz ... when she's trying to get through the scary woods. She faces her fears (the woods) with support (the scarecrow and the tin man). She meets obstacles (the lion) that turn out not so bad and she gets through.